It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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