My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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