I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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