no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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