Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
