Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
