So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The air was thick with penises
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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