So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
