the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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