According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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