Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize