She's never allowed to turn 21 again
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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