JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
