we're chasing vodka with high fives
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Drake has all the answers
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
