her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
