Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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