I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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