trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
