oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
