I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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