and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
