I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
