just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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