just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
