If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize