He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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