I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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