Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
