If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
