you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
