You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
