i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
