you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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