My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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