I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
