I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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