i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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