I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
