life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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