I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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