it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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