he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
