The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
