I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He passed out mid-signature
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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