; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
