He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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