what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This is the high leading the old right now
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize