oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He better not be in your backpack
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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