i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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