I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i believe in u and ur pee
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
