My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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