is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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