I think I am morally bankrupt
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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