Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
