Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
