lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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