i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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