Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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