ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
