No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
