He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
