I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
