It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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